It's Just me, V

As I sit here this morning, I’m thinking about my sweet girl. I miss her so terribly much. She was my constant companion, and made the losses before her more manageable. She meant so much to so many. Every one she met was a new friend. I have cried all night, sitting here eyes swollen so badly I look like I’ve been in a fight, I decided it’s time for you to know more about my girl, Winky.

We got Winky from a breeder just out side of Colorado Springs. One morning, we loaded up all three kids in the car, H was so excited to pick up his new puppy! We drove for what felt like forever and ended up at this small house with a huge yard. When we rang the door bell, and the gentleman let us in we were greeted immediately by this bouncy fluff ball with great big ears and the happiest face! She was so eager to be held and happy to show off! Her bond with H was instant. Then… we saw another little fuzzy guy, one ear up, and one ear floppy. He was quite a bit smaller, but had knowing eyes, like he knew he was going to be alone once we left. My husband fell in love with him, so that’s the day we brought home two papillon pups. Cadel and Winky, littermates, best friends were going home together!

Winky was to be H’s pup, he loved her so much, she was part of everything he did. She grew to be a bigger papillon, which was perfect because she got to do so many more things. She would go to work with me at the doggy day care, and was able to play in with the bigger dogs. She loved being able to socialize and was best friends with so many. She loved her walks, and playing out side with the kids.

Her pack at home consisted of our eldest papillon, Dizzy, our labrador, Pita, and her brother, Cadel. A few years later, we rescued a min pin – she then became the big sister to little Plia. She was pretty patient with our “zoo” and while she was curious about our parrot, she kept her distance. (Occasionally, she would nap under her cage) Winky even became fast friends with our chickens, she acted like they had always been there. She was very independent and would often just do her own thing, but where ever she went, Cadel would follow like the little brother he was.

When H left for the Marines, Winky was devastated. She would sit by the garage door and wait for him, she cried with me. She became my side kick. Dizzy wasn’t quite ok with this, after all, she had been my baby first. But soon they were more tolerant of sharing me. Winky, being the bigger of the two, was able to not only go on longer walks, but was able to run! We started off short distances, and then progressively made longer times. She was so happy to see the leash and running shoes come out! If I went with out her, she would pout. Winky got up to 10 miles, I wouldn’t let her do more, that was her max. She loved every minute of it, if I wasn’t going fast enough for her, she’d look back at me while running, tongue hanging out and stare me down as if to say “pick up the pace, Mawwwm!” Contrariwise, if I was going faster than she wanted, she would slow down in front of me! She was the best pacer! Usually, when we would start a run, she would have to go potty… about a quarter mile in, she would stop – like dead stop – in front of me and start pooping. I would often have to come to a pretty quick stop and nearly tripped over her countless times. I used to laugh and tell her that this is how we both would die! I would trip over her, break my neck and land on her, then the coyotes would come and get us! I had the whole scenario in my head, that’s how we were going out.

Oh, this girl

When H came home on leave, she would smother him with kisses and her glitter (fur). Then he’d always have to go back and she’d pout again. It was beautiful and sad. Eventually, she got used to seeing him for visits, and always the same kisses and glitter, and she always knew that he would come back.

My girl, was starting to slow down, oh – about 3-4 years ago, she still very much wanted to run, but our distances got shorter, and her recovery took a bit longer, maybe an anti inflammatory, and nap. Eventually, her outings were slow walks, and never in the dark, her vision was failing and she couldn’t see well. Last summer, she woke up from a nap and was stumbling, her eyes had vertical nystagmus. My sweet baby had a vestibular event. It looked as though she were intoxicated. With medications, patience and love, she recovered from this event in about a week. She was able to walk and get around, her recovery was just not fully back to her happy-go-lucky self. Being in the field that I am, allowed me to understand what she was going through, but didn’t make the pain of watching her gradually decline any better. Winky had developed dementia. It is much like with humans, she would look lost, her weight dropped as she wouldn’t eat, she would startle easy, and the sundowners… my poor girl. I have wonderful friends that were able to advise me of palliative care for my sweet best friend. They rode that dementia roller coaster with me. Medications for anxiety, supplements to encourage her to eat, anti inflammatory to ease her arthritis, and even adding home cooked toppers to her food to encourage her to eat. She didn’t bark any more, and would cry out if she was scared.

Yesterday – started out like any other day off for me. We got up, went out to potty, I got the dogs their breakfast. Cadel and Plia ate some, Winky just wanted to lay in her bed by the fireplace. So I fixed her some chicken and put her supplement in it. She seemed confused by the bowl, so I spooned bites up to her and she ate what I had served. I went to do some things in my office, then the workmen came to replace our back door. While talking to the representatives, I herd a scuffling sound that wasn’t right. I ran to where the sound was, and Winky had rolled off of her bed and was having a seizure. My sweet girl was pale, her eyes rolled back so hard, a fearful expression frozen on her face as she laid there in a puddle of her own fluids, shaking violently. I called for J, I screamed at him, he came out of his office, the workmen asking what the can do to help. I just cried, and held my quivering girl. The seizure lasted bout two minutes, it seemed like an eternity. The workers, feeling helpless as I sat there tears running down my face, grabbed paper towels and started cleaning up the mess. I knew it was “time”. I instructed J to get a big towel, so I could wrap my puppy up. He had to catch Cadel and Plia, who just witnessed the whole episode and were scared. He got them into their crate, as I apologized to the workmen who already had the door off of the house. We had to go, but I had to trust them to complete the job with out us home. We – had – to – go.

On the way to my clinic, we stopped and picked up T from school. She needed to be with us, with Winky. When we arrived, we went in through the back door, as to avoid people we didn’t know. My best friend met us there and walked in with us. I have to say, I have the best co-workers, and consider them all friends, family. I put Winky on a soft blanketed table, and held her for her IV placement. Surrounded by J and T, along with some of the best humans on the planet, I held my puppy in my arms while we all said goodbye. Sobbing, I felt my girl pass. I gave her the kindest gift I could, I gave her peace, love and a passing that wasn’t lonely. Kissing her face the last times, I know she is out of pain, has no more fear, and is waiting with Dizzy and Pita for me to come when it’s my time. Until then, she will play with all her friends at the Rainbow Bridge.