It's Just me, V

I have done about a million things wrong, by the end of my life, I’m sure I will do about a million things more. Being a human, I think is about making mistakes and hopefully learning from them. I am not perfect.

As a mom, having been one since I was 21 years old (now, more than half of my life) I look back and think of all of the things I could have done differently. But never EVER would change who my kids are. I was always trying to find the shinier nickel, looking, searching for something to make my kids lives better. And I know I messed up… a lot.

I moved a lot, from my marital home to my parent’s house to apartments, back to the parents, in with a jerk boyfriend and even didn’t realize how big of a jerk until my kids were scared and hurting. I am an idiot. Back to my parents, another apartment…. The list goes on. My kids moved schools, too – I had a great charter school that would have been best for them, but some of those closest to me to make choices for us without my permission. I thought I was being strong, making choices for my kids and myself; and I was just making a bigger mess.

While going to college was what needed to happen to get a steady job, it is also one of my regrets, not in getting the education, but in the timing. My kids were often with my parents while I was in school and working, my boyfriend (now husband) was amazing to help with them, making sure school was a priority to them too. He made sure that they had a stable home, helped get them to school and made sure that they had food in their bellies, first. So many times living paycheck to paycheck, boy could I make a chicken last for more than one or two meals.

My kids were moved to a Catholic school – not my choice, they were there for I believe two years… and boy did the teachers act entitled to an opinion of the way my sons were raised and cared for. The constant badgering from a teacher about one son, who skipped a grade, being smaller than the other kids and that I should hold home back so that he would fit in, NOT because he wasn’t making the grades, no, but because he was smaller. Another teacher was adamant that I shouldn’t take my son to have his tonsils out because “her son was a doctor and says that it isn’t necessary, that kids out grow strep” (which I am sure wasn’t his stance at all, just her interpretation of it). I still remember the day that I pulled my kids out of that school, I had a teacher going on about my boy, being oh GEEZ, I can’t remember what, when I went to pick up the kids after school. I marched up those stairs into her room and we had words. I did not back down to her, and her demands about my boy. I promised my sons, they’d never have to go back there. Ever. They were enrolled in a new school with in about 48 hours and did much better where we ended up going.

When our little family grew, we moved one more time. To a bigger house, in a better neighborhood with better schools, busses and kids their age to play right next door. Did we still have trials? Yes, did we ever stop trying to find our way forward? No. Life has had its way of working like a pendulum, even the hard times don’t last forever. While I had a very bad taste in my mouth about the Catholic religion, I never gave up on Christianity and tried my best to teach (not through lecture but by actions) how to be good people. I have learned how to stand up for my kids, going to bat with people who have wronged them, even when they didn’t know that I was behind them. Being “Mama Bear” also means taking a look at myself and realizing, that nobody is more important than my children.

My youngest has definitely had things I wouldn’t say better or easier, but different. But because there is a difference in my age, both physically and emotionally and more stability, she has had a different parenting style and childhood than my boys. I am so sad that my sons couldn’t have had this mom, more. I get my feelings hurt more, I guess the years of trying to be strong has taken its toll, but I try to listen more, take in my surroundings and be present. I guess I have my sons to thank, for teaching me how to be a mom, and through our trials, all three of my kids have been teaching me what a good mom is.

There is a significant age gap between my last two, I have learned that I still continue to make mistakes, albeit not always the same ones. I still try my best to stay on top of issues, but seem to be squashed down more. I feel like my feelings are a bit more on my sleeve. Being a grandma and a mother in law is absolutely amazing, but here again, uncharted territory and more opportunity to make mistakes. I say the wrong things, a lot. I do the wrong things, a lot. And I feel punished, a lot.

I am learning that my ability to hold grudges is passed down. I do try to let things go, and sometimes I just can’t. I hold on to the hurt and anger that was caused by people in our past, trying my best to forgive, but never forgetting. My kids have that same ability, and for that I am sorry. Sorry to them for having taught that, and sorry to the ones they love – I know it’s hard to deal with excessive baggage. I pray not that the world is easier on my kids, but that they have the ability to stand up strong, not play the victim, and how to learn from mistakes and make changes for the positive.

As my eldest have become adults, my youngest is on her way to adulthood, I have made mistakes, said the wrong thing, stuck up in the wrong way. I may never get this right, but I will always try. I am sorry for every hurtful thing I have ever said and done, truly. I will never reach perfection as a parent, but I will not stop trying to be a good mom.

I pray for each of my kids, their spouses and their children, to see life from more than one point of view. My babies are changing the world, and I see so much positive. I see goodness and hope in them. I hope that they will see in themselves, what I can see.

I have made a million mistakes, I have said a million things wrong; I am sorry, I’m sure before the end of my life… I’ll make a million more mistakes. I have held grudges, and burnt bridges, I have forgiven some, but not forgotten. One thing that will always hold true – never ever doubt my love, my adoration of my children.