It's Just me, V

So, here it is, I am convinced that this emotional roller coaster is a non-stop ride. I have pulled the emergency stop handle so many times, I’m pretty sure it’s broken off, broken into smithereens and flown completely off the vehicle.

Is seems like the feels just keep pounding away lately – So many emotions, so little time to process before the next wave comes around lately.

We have suffered yet another loss in our family and have been struggling to keep our heads and hearts uplifted. While his was in the cards, it was and was not a shock. The act of circling the wagons was almost immediate, but the push back of others was instantaneous and ultimately is going end so much going forward.

Am I vague enough for you, yet?

When does keeping up with the Jones’s ever end well? When you try to act a part that you are not, ultimately something will fail and you will be exposed for what you really are. Sad, lonely and broke… wondering how long you are going to last in this facade. How long until the “help outs” are finally realized to be “hand outs” and then fade away…

The feelings of grief are definitely warranted, and every one grieves in their own way – I get this. Much more than most. Here’s the thing. I feel like the inch we give will turn into much more than a mile in the end. Not that I don’t want to assist, I just don’t want to be a crutch. And I certainly don’t want to be a door mat. (I see this coming)

When does hard work pay off? Working hard and pushing forward for so long that burnout and fatigue are a regular feeling when coming home are “normal”. Is retirement really a thing? Will it feel like a break in the action or just another job, with more being asked than can be provided?

Am I to believe that human kind will change when I am no longer working in this field? Will my friends just be going through this dance around the fire the way I have been for so long? Will my children experience this degree of exhaustion, trying to make the best of everything and playing the cards as close to your chest as possible, because, God forbid you show any kind of emotion and someone misunderstand the look on your face, the slouch in your shoulders, the tone of your voice from holding back tears and think that you’re being anything less than Mary Fucking Poppins. God forbid you vent your feelings and some one think it is about them (even when it’s not) – blaming you on their shortcomings and making their hurt feelings public just for deflection of attention.

Keep in mind, this is a rant, I am only human and have them, just like anyone else – just like you. Tomorrow is another day, and I’m sure there will be something else going on, more drama, more sickness, more death; and I’m also sure that there will be more positive, more laughs (probably at inappropriate times and things) and more to try to make sense of. I guess some things were not meant to ever make sense.