It's Just me, V

I think that I have gone the full cycle of emotions with this “Stay at Home” thing. I have been happy, sad, betrayed, scared, exhausted, frustrated and angry. Sometimes all in the span of twenty four hours I can get the full range! I know that I can’t be the only one to feel this way. Searching for things to do can be hard, then the motivation just slips away and I find myself just sitting and staring out a window at absolutely nothing. I can go from giggling with friends on a Zoom call or group chat to tears or angry relatively quickly. I sometimes feel like I am losing control of anything I had before. I’m tired. I am absolutely exhausted from listening to people lay blame and fighting about literally everything. My heart hurts.

I have started trying to follow my marathon training plan more closely, the hard part is that I am supposed to swim, so that turns into an extra cross training day. That seems to keep me on some semblance of a routine. Running has always been an escape to me, and still is, only now the steps I have to take to go running feel heavy, and slowing. (not to mention that I have not been watching my diet as closely as I should) I have to make sure to bring a face cover, which makes breathing harder not to mention hot, so I end up pulling it up when I am close to people, and let it back down when I am far enough away. I should be grateful that the weather has been mild enough for me to run out side, but at the same time, everyone else is taking advantage of these mild climates as well, I can’t blame them for it at all. In the “before pandemic” days I would have loved seeing people active so much more, but now, while I do love seeing people out walking, running, cycling; it really makes my heart heavier because we can’t come close to each other with out face covers or fear.

Something I have picked up on in the heat of all of this social distancing and stay at home time is that people have become way more quick to judge. For instance, say a person took a photo of nurses or doctors standing outside on a break and were closer than six feet, then making sure to comment negatively about it. I have seen so much hatred spewed out online, people being critical of others actions or inaction. If I walk into a store, when I actually go, I see people wearing masks (most of them not covering their noses) and then I see people with out. I see people throwing their used gloves on the ground, littering parking lots. I see people of every walk of life feeling like a leper. I really feel like this has made the trolls more powerful in their persecution of others. I have seen people being critical of how others stimulus checks are being spent, even as blatant as to say donate it to those that really need it. Really? Has it ever occurred to them that maybe because the package looks put together on the outside, that the inside could be damaged? Maybe that person that they were being critical of purchasing a swing set was thinking of ways to let their children feel more comfortable during this. Or the person that decided to get a pet is lonely and needs something to give them companionship? The person that bought a bicycle or work out clothes might need that as some inspiration to get moving again because they just binge watched television for the last 3 weeks and need to feel “right” again. Maybe that person that being judged for being out side, is trying to pull themselves together to make it through the rest of the day. That person that was called an idiot for exorcising their American right to peaceful protest, is just as scared to become ill, but is also concerned about how they will feed their family going forward. It’s possible that they are not doing anything to spite anyone, they are trying to regain some sense of control in their surroundings, trying feel good in their own skin again. We are all in the same storm together, just not in the same boat, sometimes I feel like I may not even be in my boat, but treading water next to it. Be kind, and remember the saying “Those who live in glass houses, should not throw stones.”

On a more positive note:

Staying busy has been tough for this little family of three, however, we have found joy in planting seeds and watching them grow and taking family walks with the dogs. Our big chickens have finally met the chicks (it’s a work in progress) and are spending time in the yard and garden having a great time. My daughter is doing well at home schooling. Before we had to stay home, she had been asking to be home schooled (it just wouldn’t work out for us due to full time work schedules) now, she is excited to get back to school again next year – we are in this for the remainder of the year. She misses her friends. Boy we can all relate to that. I have been reading quite a bit, thank goodness for Stephen King! His works have kept my mind occupied. My husband and daughter have played at least a million games of ping pong in our basement, and so many video games. They are able to play with our sons online and while I am really not a fan of video games, hearing them talk to each other and laugh is music to my ears.

Getting myself enrolled in school, has become a true test of my patience and I haven’t even started yet. The financial aid websites read like stereo instructions, and are frustrating to navigate. I have one school that I contacted briefly to inquire about degrees and courses calling me at least eight times a day. I have told them that I am no longer interested and still had to block their calls! I will hopefully begin schooling in the next few weeks, and when that is finally in motion, I’ll be sure to let everyone know. I am scared and exhilarated about starting school. Maybe this old dog can learn some new tricks.

Until next time, my friends. Stay safe. Stay patient. Stay active. And most of all, stay kind.